Generations and Joy
June 6, 2023
This is the story of 4 generations: a parent, a father, a son, and a grandchild.
This is also the story of two very different reactions.
I was 28 years old when my then-fiance, now my wife, and I became part of the 2% club. While exclusive, it is not one that I recommend people join. Condoms are effective 98% of the time–2% of the time, they are not. I remember seeing the shredded condom and realizing we had just been initiated into the 2% club. Nine months later, a beautiful baby was born.
I grew up in an evangelical Christian household. Purity culture was very real–in youth groups, in church, at church camps, at youth conferences–it was everywhere. Sex is ONLY between a man and a woman, and they MUST be married. I remember, as a child, hearing about someone being pregnant, and I was literally confused because the woman was not married. I probably didn’t ask (because you don’t talk about sex), but I was baffled. When our pregnancy was confirmed, it took me a while to tell my parents because I knew it was not going to go over well. I want to be very clear: I was not, nor am I, ashamed of the choice that my wife and I made. We were both adults in a committed relationship, and we both chose to move forward with the pregnancy–even though he was conceived out of wedlock. It had taken me a while to break out of the harmful mindset of purity culture, and I shouldn’t have been scared to tell my parents, but I was. I knew it was going to be very difficult for them to accept that their first grandchild had been conceived outside of the sanctity of marriage.
One might think I had told them someone had died the way they cried. No happiness or feelings of excitement. My mom even went as far as comparing our news with a child’s funeral that she had attended a few weeks previous. Something about it being unfair, I never quite understood.
There was no joy.
Yesterday, my oldest son, who is 27, one year younger than I was, excitedly shared the news that he was going to be a father.
I vaguely remember my feelings when I found out I was going to be a father. It was happiness mixed with anxiety mixed with that “I’m not ready to be a parent” feeling. But when Zain told me that he and his partner were expecting, I felt something I had never felt before–a joy that surpassed the happiness of finding out I was going to be a father. My wife and I are going to be grandparents. Our son and his partner are going to have a baby.
This joy is a feeling that wells up from somewhere deep inside me; it fills me with love, gratitude, and excitement that I was unaware I could feel. The word “joy” doesn’t even begin to do this feeling justice. Because I’m a nerd, I had to look up the etymology of “joy.” It comes from the French joie, which translates to rejoice. I am literally rejoicing over this announcement.
Two very different reactions to the same news. One that stems from a detrimental culture of imagined sexual purity. The other comes from a place of love, acceptance, and happiness. After having 4 children, I promised myself and my wife, and ultimately to them, that they would not be raised the same way I had been. I read a quote recently that gave me pause (ok, I saw it on TikTok). It said, “Most Gen X parents became the parent they needed most as a child.” I now have the ability to be the parent to my own child that I needed–even as an adult.
I could not be happier. I am very excitedly working on what my grandchild will call me. I’m way too young just to be “grandpa.” I’m thinking maybe G-Pa?