Living and Leaving

I have become a little too obsessed with Tesco.

The prices are better than Publix, and everything still feels slightly novel. Or maybe it’s the simple satisfaction of watching my ClubCard points accumulate for future discounts. It might even be carrying around the little zappy barcode gun. I’ve never felt more technologically advanced while buying crisps.

We walk everywhere without a second thought.

My daily steps are over 10,000 on a regular basis. Past the row houses and brick flats, past the little corner store with the red postal boxes in front, over the stone bridge, and through the park. I noticed the other day the leaves have started turning colors and falling—more so than when we arrived 4 weeks ago. We walk to the high street on a regular basis, making sure to stay in the walking path; otherwise, you risk getting run over by a bicycle.

We already have our favorite places to eat.

We might go for a cheeky Nando’s. Or marvel at how ridiculously good the deep-fried curried mushrooms are from Cocktails and Curry. Or have a late lunch at the unassuming sushi joint tucked into a side street—the kind of place with only three tables but still has perfect ambiance. We even used Deliveroo one night when we were too caught up in our TGBO marathon to go out.

I have started collecting Costa points instead of Starbucks stars–my go-to coffee drink is a flat white. I have a Waterstones loyalty card. I know where and how to get the perfect meal deal: a sandwich, side, and a drink for £3.85 (chicken and stuffing sandwich, sweet chili crisps, and a Lucozade).

This is not vacation, this has become our life over the last four weeks.

But it is a life I can’t yet have.

I am currently sitting in Gatwick’s giant departure lounge, waiting to see which gate I must rush to in order to start boarding. I grabbed a flat white and a harissa chicken sandwich from Gail’s. It was familiar and comforting. I’m about to run into WHSmith’s and grab a Bounty candy bar and Lucozade—a final sweet treat before I leave.

Then, I will board my flight and head back to the United States.

I have purposefully tried to limit American news media while I have been in the UK. There are some things that can’t be ignored, however.

• The rights of gay and trans people, and just civil rights in general are rapidly eroding.

• Sending the National Guard to the supposed war zones of Chicago and Portland.

• The proposed reverse of the ban on conversion therapy.

• The US Government shut down and the current administration making light of the fact that people are not getting paid but required to work.

This is what I’m going back to. This is what has bled through my chosen ignorance.

Going back to the US, I’m going back to what used to be home, though it doesn’t look like home anymore. I will stay there. I will do my best to be present. But I will still hold on to everything I have left behind in my other home, knowing that someday, somehow, I will be back.

Through the park.

Over the stone bridge.

Along the path my feet now know by heart.

Back into the life that already feels like mine.