Somebody I used to know
I am a guidance counselor for an online charter school affiliated with Arizona State University. ASU Prep Digital is one of a few charter schools in the ASU network. Since we are affiliated with ASU, it is natural that we want our graduates to apply and consider attending ASU. A few months ago, ASU flew in the guidance counselors (about 2/3 of us live in places outside of Arizona) to tour ASU and hear about its many programs to better serve our students.
While I’m touring ASU, I kept thinking to myself, “What if I had graduated from a school like this?” “Who would I have become?”
I went to high school right outside of Gainesville, Florida. I had every opportunity to go to the University of Florida–one of the best universities in the South. I graduated at the top of my class, my GPA was good, and I could have very easily been admitted. But I had convinced myself that I needed to go to a small school–I was not mentally prepared to handle a large school. And it needed to be a Christian school. The Church of the Nazarene has multiple colleges across the United States. The closest Nazarene school to Florida is Treveca Nazarene University. I had no desire to go there–it was more conservative than I was comfortable with and it was in Nashville. The school that I was most attracted to was Eastern Nazarene College–right outside of Boston. Out of all the Nazarene schools, it was one of the most liberal–even for a Christain school. I wanted to attend a Christian school that wasn’t hung up on issues like dress code or other legalistic issues. So in 1996, after two years of community college, I moved to New England to attend ENC.
I will admit, I received a decent education at ENC. Was it life-changing? No. Could I have gotten a better education at UF? Probably. Did I meet amazing people that I’m still friends with 25 years later? Absolutely. Was I comfortably sheltered in my “liberal-yet-Christian” bubble? 100%.
Even though ENC was the “liberal” Nazarene school, my entire 3 years at ENC were in this bubble of protection from the real world. I would pretend that it wasn’t that way–my teachers believed in evolution! I had a professor that used profanity in his class! Surely these sorts of things would not be tolerated at other Nazarene schools! At the same time, there were cracks, even though I didn’t see them at the time–a student was dismissed from the Acapella choir because he admitted he was gay. I was guilted into joining and participating in weekly Bible study groups. I had to have my first glass of alcohol in secret so that no one at school would find out. It was very much an “in the world, but not of the world” experience.
I can’t say whether or not I regret going to ENC. That is a very gray area. Had I gone to UF or another state school, I would have experienced the world at a much younger age than when I finally did after college. At ENC, I met people and participated in things that I would not have had the opportunity anywhere else. But I did it at the expense of a few years of therapy further down the road. Would I be willing to give up ENC to not have to undergo therapy to figure my life out? I honestly don’t know.
When I was touring ASU–sitting in classes, meeting and speaking with professors, hearing about the many programs, touring the dorms–this nagging feeling of “I could have had this but chose not to” kept bubbling to the surface. Ultimately, I kept wondering if ENC somehow showed me what I did not want to become. I texted my wife some of these thoughts I was having. She responded that I am who I am because of ENC. And that is a good thing because she likes who I am.
Joan Didion, in her infinite wisdom, wrote: “ I think we are well advised to keep on nodding terms with the people we used to be, whether we find them attractive company or not. Otherwise, they turn up unannounced and surprise us…I have already lost touch with a couple of people I used to be”
This is the first of a few essays on my journey from ENC to who I am now. This is my process of getting back in touch with the person I used to be.