The Feeling of Being a Hopeless Unbeliever

I picked him up and we pulled onto I-4 toward Tampa International. He was the youth pastor of the church I was attending. One of my closer friends at the time. Not being one to maintain conversations, I enjoyed the silence.

I didn’t have a CD player in my car, but I did have a tape deck. I also had the ubiquitous Discman and tape deck adapter. I had just gotten Belle and Sebastian’s first album on CD. We were still in that honeymoon phase of learning about each other, so I was listening to it on rotation.

I asked him if he caught the similarities between the last song and Linus and Lucy. How it’s an interpolation. He looked at me, confused. I let it go. He obviously didn’t get it.

The music was ambient noise–innocuous.

At least that’s what I thought.

He had been jabbering about something and I was only half paying attention–and the song If You’re Feeling Sinister came on. As the song continued to play, he stopped. Got quieter.

He asked if we could replay it. I shrugged and clicked back.

I glanced over at him and noticed he was looking at whatever people look at when they are concentrating on a song.

Anthony walked to his death

Because he thought he’d never feel this way again

I could tell he was intrigued

She was into S&M and bible studies

Not everyone’s cup of tea, she would admit to me

His eyes widened in shock.

The church up on the hill is looking lovely

But it didn’t interest, the only things she wants to know is

How and why and when and where to go

His eyebrows furrowed and he looked confused.

But if you are feeling sinister

Go off and see a minister

He’ll try in vain to take away

The pain of being a hopeless unbeliever.

He paused the music and looked at me.

“What?” I said.

He just stared at me. Incredulously. I could see the gears working in his head. He was struggling to spit out his thoughts.

I don’t remember his exact words, but this is what I imagine them to be:

“This music is sad and I can’t believe you are listening to it. That song–it has sexual references and says some really contradictory things about God and faith. I mean the chorus? Why would a minister NOT take away the pain of unbelief?”

I just stared at him, truly confused, wondering how he could have missed the entire point of the song.

I kept driving.

I don’t remember my response to his sermonizing questions. I was listening to music, but he saw something I wasn’t even able to name yet. I was trying to figure out what it meant to be an adult. I was doing it through the lens of Christianity. The idea of rebellion was something risky and forbidden. I wanted to rebel. I just didn’t know what I needed to rebel against. I was 25 and had no idea how to be naughty.

I knew I was drifting. I still showed up, I spoke the language, I played my part, but something didn’t fit like it used to. It was like a shirt I was slowly outgrowing without noticing.

His judgement sparked something in me that told me more about where I was headed than I was ready to admit.

I didn’t have the words or even the cognition to realize that moment in the car was the beginning of the end for me.